Sharing Fears

6 05 2009

Jake is Perfect for me.  He continues to prove so everyday, and particularly last night.  Why can’t I buy into it?

Cradled in his arms, we talked last night about the fears we share. . . What if one of us gets bored with the other and leaves for better company?  What if we finally let our guard down and the other changes their mind?  What if we never let our guards down?  How can we expect our relationship to work when none of the others has ever ended happily ever after?   And the latest fear, can I trust myself enough to make it safe for Jake to trust me?

The ultimatum he hated to give: Jake or everyone else.  The first time he declared it, I asked, “Is this a defensive or offensive move?”  He  looked into my eyes and with full conviction declared he wanted to be with me.  That I made him happy.  I asked him how he knew, and he just did.  He didn’t care about whether some other girl could make him happier.  I couldn’t wrap my brain around it then, and I still can’t.  Ughhh. 

Both half-wishing he’d enforce his ultimatum, I laid in his arms last night, feeling his breath against the back of my neck.  Before I could drift to sleep, I told him I was concerned that my actions were forcing him to cross the monogamous relationship bridge before he might actually want to.  He turned me around so we were facing each other.  I could barely see his face in the dark, but I knew his eyes were on mine.  He whispered to me, as if it were some secret.  He told me if we weren’t in a monogamous relationship, he’d never be able to let his guard down. 

Those were key words for me.  I know he keeps his heart, and there is nothing more I could want than for him to let me in.  I know my walls are falling more each day, and its creating an almost unstoppable momentum.  I fear that my walls will fall to him and I will still be locked out of his heart.  It seemed like an easy choice.  If being picking Jake and leaving everyone else (present and potential) behind, if that gets me closer to his heart, that’s what I want to do.  Its whether I can trust myself to stick with that decision, to pass on potentially wonderful soulmates and be satisfied with the journey that Jake and I are on.

He told me he didn’t want me to be with him only until something better came along.  I told him cared about him to much to allow that to happen, and that’s why I needed to take things slower. I need time to process everything that has happened to us in the last 5 weeks. 

Yet, the slower we try to move, the further we go down this path toward perfect.