Sharing Fears

6 05 2009

Jake is Perfect for me.  He continues to prove so everyday, and particularly last night.  Why can’t I buy into it?

Cradled in his arms, we talked last night about the fears we share. . . What if one of us gets bored with the other and leaves for better company?  What if we finally let our guard down and the other changes their mind?  What if we never let our guards down?  How can we expect our relationship to work when none of the others has ever ended happily ever after?   And the latest fear, can I trust myself enough to make it safe for Jake to trust me?

The ultimatum he hated to give: Jake or everyone else.  The first time he declared it, I asked, “Is this a defensive or offensive move?”  He  looked into my eyes and with full conviction declared he wanted to be with me.  That I made him happy.  I asked him how he knew, and he just did.  He didn’t care about whether some other girl could make him happier.  I couldn’t wrap my brain around it then, and I still can’t.  Ughhh. 

Both half-wishing he’d enforce his ultimatum, I laid in his arms last night, feeling his breath against the back of my neck.  Before I could drift to sleep, I told him I was concerned that my actions were forcing him to cross the monogamous relationship bridge before he might actually want to.  He turned me around so we were facing each other.  I could barely see his face in the dark, but I knew his eyes were on mine.  He whispered to me, as if it were some secret.  He told me if we weren’t in a monogamous relationship, he’d never be able to let his guard down. 

Those were key words for me.  I know he keeps his heart, and there is nothing more I could want than for him to let me in.  I know my walls are falling more each day, and its creating an almost unstoppable momentum.  I fear that my walls will fall to him and I will still be locked out of his heart.  It seemed like an easy choice.  If being picking Jake and leaving everyone else (present and potential) behind, if that gets me closer to his heart, that’s what I want to do.  Its whether I can trust myself to stick with that decision, to pass on potentially wonderful soulmates and be satisfied with the journey that Jake and I are on.

He told me he didn’t want me to be with him only until something better came along.  I told him cared about him to much to allow that to happen, and that’s why I needed to take things slower. I need time to process everything that has happened to us in the last 5 weeks. 

Yet, the slower we try to move, the further we go down this path toward perfect.



5 05 2009

ugh. Tired and confused and burdened.  Wishing I could be reckless without repercussion.  Now I have dragged a very important person into my life, my mess, my recklessness.  Someone who I want to protect from anything bad, including my recklessly impulsive and idiotic ways.  I wonder how fragile he might be, and whether I’m not giving Jake enough credit.  He is stoic and flippant, and perfect for me in every way.  He is proving he can take the punches and bruises and dirt that I drag my early relationships through.  Ughhh.

I came back from Miami and I have broken his trust.  I have disappointed and angered both Jake and myself.  We haven’t had a formal “exclusive” talk, but I remember lying next to him the night before my trip, warning him about my wild ways when I’m on vacation.  At the time, I wanted him to tell me to behave.  I wanted Jake to tell me that he wanted me to be his, and not some single girl on South Beach.  Earlier that night, as I was packing, he joked that I could do whatever I wanted, “Just don’t tell me about Ricardo when you get back.”  and I quipped, “Well, what about his brother Fernando?” But then I needed to know if he was joking, because I was not.

I cannot be trusted on vacation. I ALWAYS meet someone when I go on vacation.  It’s because I love strangers and once-in a lifetime opportunities.  I lose all inhibitions because I know I never have to see this person again.  I can be my best or worst version of myself, and they won’t have anything to compare it to.  Exhibit A:  Chicago…  I lose a dozen rounds of “never have I ever” when my friends remember how and with whom I spent our Chicago field trip.  I remember being late to the airport because Christopher and I were too tangled to notice the time.

Ughhh. I am supposed to be making a decision.  Picking Jake over everyone else.  Is that even the decision I need to be making?  I know its more than just picking Jake over Hank.  Is the decision whether I can trust myself enough to allow Jake to trust me?  that’s a toughie too.

Jake is sitting across from me,  whispering to “Pick Me.”  and I tell him I know that’s the right answer.  I just can’t wrap my brain around it.  I lean my head back, laughing and cursing at the same time.  He asks me what’s going on, and I tell him that he is winning.  while I can’t pick him, I’ve realized that I care about and like him more than I ought to, more than he likes me. Ughhh.

Best Easter Ever

27 04 2009

No bunnies, No easter eggs. Just beach, rum, shrimp, sun, starbucks, rhinestone jeans, and a fancy slick new purse.  I went home for Easter, the weekend following the big exam, and really got to relax, sunning on the beach, eating good food, laughing with my family.   We ate steak twice that weekend.  This is an understatement of how this was the Best Easter Ever.

Easter weekend we celebrated my dad’s 60th birthday.We set out early for a prime spot on Clearwater Beach, directly adjacent to Frenchy’s cafe.  My dad waited an hour for the beach bar at Frenchy’s to open, and I assume they let him in early as he was pacing back and forth from the closed door to our spot on the water every 10 minutes.  That day, my mom refused to leave the water, and my dad refused to leave the bar.  So, being the kind daughters we were, we shuttled back and forth between them, taking turns to have lunch with the old man and read trashy magazines with my mom.  We made my dad look so popular, 3 different young ladies coming to visit him at the bar. =)  I offered to pick up his tab, hoping it wasn’t going to be a large fortune.  I tried to get him to drink something different than the Budweiser that filled his fridge at home.  My middle sister and I were all up for the experimentation.  Trying to balance our “innocence,” we stuck to the fruity concoctions like Pina Coladas.  Then we decided to try the house-special Rum Runner.  Two sips later, it hit me…this was a damaging drink disguised with fruit.  Long story short, my Dad’s 60th birthday was the first time I was trashed in front of my father, let alone at lunchtime.  It was one of the best times my Dad and I shared. I was so drunk that after nap/ hour’s drive to the outlet mall, I had to get coffee to sober up.  As soon as they helped me out of the car, I announced to my mother and sisters that I shouldn’t be allowed to buy anything in my condition.  I then announced that I needed Starbucks and all drinks on me, which everyone took full advantage of.  I’m not sure who did the most damage… my sister’s who spec’d out fancy coffee drinks, or my mom and I who are Starbucks illiterate and ended up with giant cups of expensive mystery caffiene.  Needless to say, I quickly became a very awake drunk, who seemed even wittier and hilarious than my usual self.  Some would argue that, but who needs them?

It’s not personal. It’s business.

4 03 2009


NOTE TO SELF: Do not take anything personal. Especially at work. Especially when you’re a girl.

NOTE TO READERS:  In hindsight, all references to women in this article can also apply to “nice guys”

I can’t help but think of  Meg Ryan’s character in “You’ve Got Mail.” She represents the woman who oozes sugar and spice and everything nice.  As a girl to a young woman, she as been successfully wired to be caring, optimistic, and polite.  This is very fitting for girl scouts, prom queens, and debutantes.  As a grown woman in the business world, it is important to understand how years of sugar and spice hardwiring affect a woman’s behavior in the workplace.  Often, a woman’s thoughtfulness, unselfish-ness, and consideration for others can make her look weak, unprofessional, or incompetent.

For example, many women have a terrible habit of over-apologizing, even when they are not at fault, mostly because we’ve been hardwired to be polite in every situation.  Some women can be too helpful, voluntarily putting themselves in subservient tasks that leave leadership opportunities amiss.  But the biggie is taking things too personally (comments, actions, or lack of comments or actions by others).  This is mostly because our environs have nurtured us to become sensitive, caring women carrying the burden of trying to be perfect porcelain dolls.  You would think that a lifetime of criticism from our parents, and relatives would help us take things less personally.  But with family, you assume they have to love you (somewhere deep down), and in the real world, its easier for people to dish criticism than taking the time to teach and encourage.

I’m not nearly as sensitive as Meg Ryan’s character, but I often think of the movie scene where she is told she must “go to the mat”  as I attempt to keep my cool, bite my tongue, and keep all forms of retaliation in check while at the office.  The office is no place for emotions… nor is the company restroom.  I take the elevator to escape to another floor altogether, because I don’t even want other ladies to see me that vulnerable, or that crazy.  More often than crying, sometimes I get so frustrated that I need to kick the hell out of the restroom partitions in order to release my rage.

In the movie, Tom Hanks’ character advises her:

“You’re  at war.  “It’s not personal.  It’s business.  It’s not personal.  It’s business.”  Recite that to yourself every time you feel you’re losing your nerve.”

Not taking things too personally can be a complicated process.  Its the stuff of self-esteem, nurturing environs, pep talks by close friends, even via the bathroom mirror.  The easiest way is to repeat the mantra “It’s not personal. It’s business.”  Business has many rules, this is just one of them.  Repeat it over and over again and remember that the most successful people don’t let criticism hold them down.  They keep an open mind, and instead of retaliating with fruitless comments, they try to use those comments to either improve themselves or prove the naysayers wrong.

This is how the most successful people in business, science, acting, or any other field PUSH THE ENVELOPE.

Taking things personally can be triple damage:

1.  You allow another person’s actions to penetrate your vulnerability.

2.  Oftentimes, you will react or retalliate in a manner most unbecoming, unprofessional, or uncivil.

3. Allowing another person’s comments to discourage/anger/make you cry,  is taking time and energy away from your path toward your goals.

They should really consider adding two new commandments.  “Thou shalt not criticize non-constructively.”  and “Thou shalt not take things personally (and retalliate in senseless anger).”  How do I get in touch with the Pope?

25 Random Things About Me

3 02 2009

1. I love lists.
2. I am easily recruited for random acts of gluttony.
3. I am a totally different personality in work situations where I’m tense, cautious, and very quiet.
4. I am addicted to watching Heroes (still on season 2)
5. I think its absurd to be a fan of products on facebook and not be getting paid for advertising, Suckers.
6. Yoga changed my life.
7. I will write a book one day… I wish I wrote the dictionary.
8. My roommate and I are each cooking one new recipe a week. Some of them bomb. Don’t ask about the salt cod.
9. I want to start a dozen websites, but haven’t learned how to do it yet.
10. Well-designed cars turn me on. Really.
11. I have a scavenger-hunt list of types of men I’d like to kiss before I get married.
12. I have a blog with 38,250 hits.
13. I like to eat things as big as my head (cookies, sandwiches, pancakes)
14. I am finally over my ex-boyfriend. I am single, but not quite ready to mingle.
15. Don’t ask me if I have a boyfriend unless you’re willing to introduce me to a likely candidate.
16. I am terrible about calling people back.
17. A booming voice in my head says “INAPPROPRIATE” whenever necessary.
18. I have a Crush whom I keep hoping to run into on the elevator.
19. I only like to run into my arch-nemesis fashion rival when I look stylish enough.
20. I love to travel. In 2005 I quit my job and backpacked though Europe on my own.
21. I want my own motorcycle.
22. I have no debt, zilch.
23. I am saving up to buy a condo in midtown.
25. I am most comfortable with strangers.

Yucky Fish

14 01 2009

I made the worst looking-worst tasting fish recipe tonight. I tried to pan fry an Amber Jack fillet that was way too thick and ought to be baked in the oven. the only thing that didn’t go wrong was that I didn’t burn it. Instead, the fillet was so thick that it was impossible to cook the center through all the way without the edges getting over cooked. So it was a bad mix of translucent fleshiness and dry fish flakes on every fork. Ewww. Luckily, it didn’t fill the apartment with the aroma of nastiness, and I didn’t set off the smoke detector. Two events that I’m more sensitive about, now that I have roomates to ridicule me.

How to talk to girls in bars/clubs

11 01 2009

Its a simple process of elimination when meeting a stranger.

Round 1:  Must be polite in approach and be able to hold an interesting conversation.  I respect the courage it takes to approach a total stranger and I think it deserves a woman’s attention as long as the man is polite.  It also deserves a polite “No thank you” if necessary, but I think that a woman should at least wait till round 2.  Ask her, “Do you come here alot?”  or “Is it always this crowded/empty at this bar?”  Something general.

Round 2:  Must not be physically repulsive.

Round 3:  Must say or do something to make me crack a smile.   Tell me a funny story.  Compliment my appearance.  Make fun of my height deficiency.

Give a man 5 minutes before you reject him for lack of sparks (both physical and personality).  Polite strangers deserve a respectful and honest rejection.  Can you believe tonight my girlfriends would rather falsely claim to be lesbians than to say no thanks to a guy who was nice enough to offer them a drink?  [rolling eyes in disgust].