Free at last, Free at last! Home for the holidays, finally. This is the first year since moving to Atlanta that I am taking enough vacation days to span pre-Christmas to New Years. Here is the rundown of the past 3 days.
Day 1: Awesome Productive: Liza and I sat at the dining room table with laptops almost all day. I did my budget, paid my bills, convinced ATT to give me a new wireless card for free, and opened my mail from the last 3 weeks. We gave equal attention, eating from both the candy dish and fruit bowl. We raced to see who could wrap presents the fastest. I cooked some yummy porkchops that looked so good on the plate with the peas, carrots, and corn that it could’ve been on the cover of a magazine. For dinner, I concocted a new delicious recipe of spinach and waterchestnuts. Yes, you will like it too.
Day 2: Shop till you drop: Liza and I managed to navigate Countryside Mall without having to bodycheck anyone or fight amongst ourselves, which is easier said than done 3 days before Christmas. I bought an awesome jacket for my dad, and got it embroidered with the Gators logo. I got Liza to pick out her Xmas gift, and checked off almost all the others on my list.
Day 3: Crapshoot: The morning went okay. We went to church at St. Judes. This is the church we attended every Sunday from the time I was a baby to 4th grade. They always gave me the award for being the smartest kid in my Sunday School class. Big woohoo, I know. I brought my camera, remembering how beautifully decked out the church was the last time I was there. Sorely disappointed. There were alot of trees, but they were all bare. On top of that, the candles you can light as a prayer offering are like $2.50. I was going to give Leah 2 quarters so she could light two candles. Sorely mistaken. So maybe I’m more out of touch with the Catholic Church than I previously thought.
I dislike formal prayers that everyone recites. I think God is pretty sick of hearing the same stuff over and over again. So I just talk to God in whatever way is natural for my mood. When I’m angry, I curse. When I’m desparate, I cry and ask alot of “Why???.” When I’m chill, my street talk is impeccable, unlike in reality where I can’t “holla” at all. I don’t know why, but it is. Take this morning as a prime example. After service, my mom likes to visit the statues of the Virgin Mary and St. Jude and whatever statue is available to pray in front of. While I respect the way she chooses to communicate with God, I like to go straight to the top and skip this bureaucracy of saints. But since I was already in front of St. Jude’s statue, whom both my Mom and sisters pray to alot, I told him in the quiet of my mind, “Yo, thanks for taking care of my peeps. No disrespect, but I prefer to go straight to the Big Dog.” Yeah. I know you think I”m going to hell for that, but I don’t believe in hell anymore.
I’m a little more gentle in front of the Virgin Mary altar. Mostly because I’m wowed by the beauty of the statue. While I’m still undecided about her virginity, I continue to think of her as a terrific role model. She’s alot of things that I’m not. She’s patient, unselfish, and trusts in God’s unknown surprises. I admire that kind of fearlessness. If I had 1% of her patience, I’d be 200% improved.
This afternoon was a clear illustration of how lacking I am in the patience and unknown surprises category. The only thing I hate more than situations being beyond my control, is an ineffiicient situation. Today, the car I was using was disabled and unavailable. Not only did I feel like a 10 year old trapped in the house, I was overwhelmingly irritated by not being able to accomplish the many errands on my list. You know how freakishly goal oriented I am. After taking an afternoon nap, watching a dvd, wrapping presents, I was completely bored out of my mind.
I know I sound like a super brat for complaining about how much my vacation day sucks, but I always have really high expectations. Particularly for this holiday. Having to take 3 unpaid days of work is hanging over my head like buyer’s remorse. My vacation anxiety stems from spending last weekend with the family for Leah’s graduation. While things went smoothly, it was one of those vacations that you needed to recover from. I have high hopes to recover and be totally refreshed before January. Last weekend was probably the most draining weekend I’ve had to endure since design school finals. Last weekend, the spirits were high amongst the family, but energy levels were low. Consistently late nights and early mornings made everything seem exhausting. It was a miracle that nobody got on each other’s nerves. Although it seems that everyone put soooo much effort into preventing conflicts last weekend, that there’s barely any left for the holidays. Or maybe its just me.
I just didn’t have any patience left to deal with today. Today just felt like a waste of 8 hours. I don’t have 8 hours to waste. We could have finished all our holiday shopping early and just chilled and visited friends on Xmas eve. I could’ve cleaned my entire apartment in Atlanta, so I didn’t have to come home to a wasteland to start the New Year. To me, it doesnt’ matter how lame the activity, as long as its either productive, or I really want to do it…otherwise, it feels like a waste of time. Lazy, half-ass time. I tried to explain this to my Mom, who didn’t get it at all, and started blaming my “abnomal” condition on herself. I hate when she does that. So I practically had to yell at her that I know its not normal, and that its not her fault. Its my fault. I’m used to being busy every minute of the day. Going, going, going. My irritibility is also my fault. After living solo, it takes time for me to get used to living in a house full of family. People asking you things repeatedly, at every moment. Arrggh! Its hard for me to get used to not completing my goals, no matter how basic they are, it irritates me. If that makes me a bad person, oh well. If complaining about wasting 8 hours of my vacation day is the worst problem in my life right now, I’m okay with that. Because, yeah, it could be worse. If being accustomed to success in every goal I set before myself is a problem, then I don’t care if I’m a bad person. Yeah, so I don’t know how to make myself relax on vacation, other than to get all my shit together beforehand, so I don’t have anything else to think or do. So what if that’s not normal. There’s not much more I can do about it other than be a pill-popper. No thanks.