Sharing Fears

6 05 2009

Jake is Perfect for me.  He continues to prove so everyday, and particularly last night.  Why can’t I buy into it?

Cradled in his arms, we talked last night about the fears we share. . . What if one of us gets bored with the other and leaves for better company?  What if we finally let our guard down and the other changes their mind?  What if we never let our guards down?  How can we expect our relationship to work when none of the others has ever ended happily ever after?   And the latest fear, can I trust myself enough to make it safe for Jake to trust me?

The ultimatum he hated to give: Jake or everyone else.  The first time he declared it, I asked, “Is this a defensive or offensive move?”  He  looked into my eyes and with full conviction declared he wanted to be with me.  That I made him happy.  I asked him how he knew, and he just did.  He didn’t care about whether some other girl could make him happier.  I couldn’t wrap my brain around it then, and I still can’t.  Ughhh. 

Both half-wishing he’d enforce his ultimatum, I laid in his arms last night, feeling his breath against the back of my neck.  Before I could drift to sleep, I told him I was concerned that my actions were forcing him to cross the monogamous relationship bridge before he might actually want to.  He turned me around so we were facing each other.  I could barely see his face in the dark, but I knew his eyes were on mine.  He whispered to me, as if it were some secret.  He told me if we weren’t in a monogamous relationship, he’d never be able to let his guard down. 

Those were key words for me.  I know he keeps his heart, and there is nothing more I could want than for him to let me in.  I know my walls are falling more each day, and its creating an almost unstoppable momentum.  I fear that my walls will fall to him and I will still be locked out of his heart.  It seemed like an easy choice.  If being picking Jake and leaving everyone else (present and potential) behind, if that gets me closer to his heart, that’s what I want to do.  Its whether I can trust myself to stick with that decision, to pass on potentially wonderful soulmates and be satisfied with the journey that Jake and I are on.

He told me he didn’t want me to be with him only until something better came along.  I told him cared about him to much to allow that to happen, and that’s why I needed to take things slower. I need time to process everything that has happened to us in the last 5 weeks. 

Yet, the slower we try to move, the further we go down this path toward perfect.

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Rough

6 05 2009

We are trying to take things slowly, but it is proving impossible when we live 10 feet away from each other and like each other as much as we do.   Even storms blow through faster than I can forgive myself.  Or maybe its because we’re always onto something new and exciting and amazing at speeds faster than I can process…

 We spoke while I waited for my flight to depart from Miami.  He spoke sweetly to me, and I felt horribly undeserving.  I told him I wasn’t the best behaved this weekend.  He was silent.  I wanted to tell him that I met someone else. That I kissed this person, and that I was only sorry about the part where my recklessness violated his trust, his friendship, my word.  He remained silent.  He did not ask, so I didn’t tell him of my wrongs.  I tried to tell him not to wait up, that I’d be too dirty to crawl into bed next to him.  But he wanted to wake up next to me.  

I got home at 2am, deciding to sleep in the living room so i could avoid Jake till I was less exhausted and dirty.  My other roomate was already asleep on the couch.   I had no choice but to enter my bedroom.  Jake was asleep in my bed.  I didn’t want to have to tell him the truth, but he was there in my bed, and deserved full-disclosure before he had the chance to greet me with a hug and kiss or skillet to the head.  He stirred a little, and called me to bed.  I sat next to him and asked him why he hadn’t asked what terrible things I’d done.  I laid out my confession and he brushed it aside, burdened by sleep.  I laid down beside him, careful not to touch him.  I knew the information was sinking  in by the minute.  We spoke our thoughts out loud.  He asked me questions and I gave him answers that didn’t sit easy for either of us.  We didn’t kiss or touch, except hold hands.  I was lucky he didn’t storm away from me at all.  He took things far better than I would have, and it made me realize that I cared about him more than he cared for me. Ironic. Upon waking the next morning, he kissed my shoulder.  Maybe he had forgotten what a horrible person I was.  We got ready for work in a hurry, oversleeping after talking all night.  We held hands and spoke without awkwardness on the way to work.  I dropped him off, and as I expected, he did not kiss me good bye as usual.  I drove away from him with tears welling in my eyes and a sharp nauseating pain. 

The day after I came back from Miami, we both were planning and trying to hide from each other.  I wanted to sneak in from work and not have to see his face, have to be reminded of how I hurt him.  I asked our roomate if Jake was home, and I was relieved to find out he was away.  At the same time, i didn’t want Jake to think I was avoiding him because of anything his fault.  For my own, I was afraid he’d be angrier than when I first admitted my wrongs. 

When I came home from dinner, his door was closed, and I looked at it longingly.  I went into my room, exchanging my bags for my bathtowel.  I opened my door and he was in the hall.  He asked me how I was doing, and I said it was rough.  He nodded mechanically in agreement.  I took my shower and when I came out, the light behind his door was off.  I stood in my doorway looking at the closed, dark door.  Wishing I were inside, cuddled next to him.  Instead, I felt really sad.  Finally I closed my door, making the signature sound signaling that the bathroom we all share is now free.  I quickly put on my pjs and opened my door, in case he’d ever open his, in case he’d ever want to stop by and say hello.  As I swung my door open, he was in the hall.  I was surprised to see him, spending all day at work thinking of ways to politely avoid him, and then spending all evening at home wishing I could be next to him.  I asked him if he was going to bed.  Me too.  I asked him where he was sleeping tonight, and he invited me to his room.  “Am I allowed to?”  I had planned on grounding myself in my room, miserably thinking of the wrongs I’d done.  I couldn’t believe he wanted to be near me so soon.

I laid down beside him, unsure of how he’d receive me.  He scooped me into his arms and held me.  We talked. We were both feeling better than last night or the morning.  It was amazing how we could talk about everything with ease and honesty and even laughter.  I wished I could forgive myself as easy as he seemed to.





Kiss List

9 02 2009

kiss_lips1

Check out the new Future Adventures Kiss List… and post your suggestions and insults.

BTW, I am spending my very-single Valentine’s Day at Bunny’s Bowling Birthday.  It should be fun, and I can’t help but hope to meet some new people.





Tough Sticky

28 01 2009

avant_album

Lynne likes this song, “When it hurts” .  The message is important.  Relationships, dating/friendships/family are all measured by how we respond to the difficult moments.  The singer Avant has a lyric about “changing people’s definition of love” by reminding everyone that its the tough times that count.  Seeing as we’re in a tough time globally, I hope we’ll all remember.

I can happily say that my friends and family have always been there for me in troubling moments, whether in support or to argue a constructive point of their own.

Boyfriends are another story.  I can only think of one boyf that ever stuck around for an argument.  Granted, I don’t pick many fights, and most debates I have a winning point.  It seems strange, but I’m hoping my next boyfriend will invest enough of himself to argue for the sake of improving our relationship or clearing up misperceptions.  Not just giving up on things that don’t seem to work.  Not just giving up on me.

I agree, its easier to avoid conflict all together, especially at the risk of making a girl cry.  But delivering constructive criticism is a service of honesty between two friends.  Discussing personal opinions, no matter how controversial or awkward, should also be comfortable, if not mutually respectful.

Excerpted Lyrics: When it hurts” by Avant

When it hurts, will we still be
The same two lovers
All over each other
When it hurts, will we still see
What we got together
Promise that we’ll never
Never ever be
Temporary (Not Another)
Ordinary (Uh uh)
We should change people’s definition of love
So forget what you heard
The only way that this will work
Is if you love me when it hurts
Can you love when it hurts

Babygirl we gotta face it
There’ll be times that we let each other down
And on the days that you ain’t feeling me
Will you be able to stick around
Cause anything worth having is worth fighting for
If we really want this thing to work
We gotta go to war
Girl, I’m in this thing
I mean we’re in this thing
But through the tears will you still be here





How to talk to girls in bars/clubs

11 01 2009

Its a simple process of elimination when meeting a stranger.

Round 1:  Must be polite in approach and be able to hold an interesting conversation.  I respect the courage it takes to approach a total stranger and I think it deserves a woman’s attention as long as the man is polite.  It also deserves a polite “No thank you” if necessary, but I think that a woman should at least wait till round 2.  Ask her, “Do you come here alot?”  or “Is it always this crowded/empty at this bar?”  Something general.

Round 2:  Must not be physically repulsive.

Round 3:  Must say or do something to make me crack a smile.   Tell me a funny story.  Compliment my appearance.  Make fun of my height deficiency.

Give a man 5 minutes before you reject him for lack of sparks (both physical and personality).  Polite strangers deserve a respectful and honest rejection.  Can you believe tonight my girlfriends would rather falsely claim to be lesbians than to say no thanks to a guy who was nice enough to offer them a drink?  [rolling eyes in disgust].





September blew by

5 12 2008

September 26, 2008

September was supposed to be my time for downtime.  It has been quite the opposite, and the crazy business has made it fly faster than it ought to.  Here’s the quick and dirty:

I moved in with 3 boys

There is no gas in metro Atlanta

My friends are getting laid off

I’ve been working 12 hour days to accomplish a deadline because we are understaffed

I have been dating ALOT to keep my mind off Brandon.  I have been dating ALOT to keep myself unattached, because girls need to juggle at least 3 men to keep them too busy to develop attachments to any single one.

I had to tell a very nice boy that I had no sparks for him.  He had fantastic conversation, incredible politeness, and a great sense of humor.  We even kissed just to make sure, and still no sparks.

I can’t find a suitable date for any of the 4 weddings I have to attend this year.

I rode the furbus during a bachelorette party and had a great time.  I attempted to snag a date for my friend’s wedding, met 2 very cute boys.  One of which gave me a fake phone number.  Sad.  The other talked too much about his ex-girlfriends and how he’s not looking for anything serious.  Too bad that I am… stupid biological clock.

Despite my rational reasonings, I continue to imagine that happiness comes delivered in a Range Rover.  Perhaps its my 2008 version of the knight in shining armor who rides in on a white horse.  Aside from it being a beautiful car, it always makes me think of the dream where I’m picking up my kids from school, opening the backseat doors of the Range Rover as 2 happy kids come running towards me.





I want to love you madly

2 09 2008

Today I was sad because I knew he couldn’t make me happy.  I was sad because it now felt pointless to want him.  I was sad because even though I know its pointless, I still want him, and I still can’t seem to let go of him.  But maybe this is one step closer….to loving someone else madly…

I know its wierd, but its actually alot more helpful for me to spend time with an ex-boyfriend than to sequester myself away from him.  Mostly, because putting the man off-limits puts me on the brink of a panic attack.  Secondly, because it reminds me to see him as he is, not as I wish he is.  In my mind, memories of him are cast in the most perfect light.  I think my mind is in love with him more than my reality.

This weekend in particular was great to be around him.  He was relaxed, nothing bearing on his mind.  He was 100% him, even being talkative.  He rambled about life while throwing martial arts kicks in my living room, and I loved it.  But the next day we had lunch, and I sat across from him, bored, wondering why I’d want to spend the rest of my life with someone who bored me.  It reminded me of this Cake lyric: ” I don’t want to sit across from you wishing I could run… I want to love you madly.” Listen

I guess dating these other boys has taught me how important a good conversation is to me; how its something so simple that makes me feel so fulfilled and connected to someone.  There was nothing wrong with the way he was acting.  He was just being himself, and I was just being myself.  And it was a sad but important realization.

I want to love you madly by Cake (Listen)

I dont want to wonder
If this is a blunder
I dont want to worry whether
Were gonna stay together
till we die

I dont want to jump in
Unless this musics thumping
All the dishes rattle in the cupboards
When the elephants arrive

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly

I dont want to fake it
I just want to make it
The ornaments look pretty
But theyre pulling down the branches
Of the tree

I dont want to think about it
I dont want to talk about it
When I kiss your lips
I want to sink down to the bottom
Of the sea

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now, yeah
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly

I dont want to hold back
I dont want to slip down
I dont want to think back to the one thing that I know i
Should have done

I dont want to doubt you
Know everything about you
I dont want to sit across the table from you
Wishing I could run

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly