5 05 2009

ugh. Tired and confused and burdened.  Wishing I could be reckless without repercussion.  Now I have dragged a very important person into my life, my mess, my recklessness.  Someone who I want to protect from anything bad, including my recklessly impulsive and idiotic ways.  I wonder how fragile he might be, and whether I’m not giving Jake enough credit.  He is stoic and flippant, and perfect for me in every way.  He is proving he can take the punches and bruises and dirt that I drag my early relationships through.  Ughhh.

I came back from Miami and I have broken his trust.  I have disappointed and angered both Jake and myself.  We haven’t had a formal “exclusive” talk, but I remember lying next to him the night before my trip, warning him about my wild ways when I’m on vacation.  At the time, I wanted him to tell me to behave.  I wanted Jake to tell me that he wanted me to be his, and not some single girl on South Beach.  Earlier that night, as I was packing, he joked that I could do whatever I wanted, “Just don’t tell me about Ricardo when you get back.”  and I quipped, “Well, what about his brother Fernando?” But then I needed to know if he was joking, because I was not.

I cannot be trusted on vacation. I ALWAYS meet someone when I go on vacation.  It’s because I love strangers and once-in a lifetime opportunities.  I lose all inhibitions because I know I never have to see this person again.  I can be my best or worst version of myself, and they won’t have anything to compare it to.  Exhibit A:  Chicago…  I lose a dozen rounds of “never have I ever” when my friends remember how and with whom I spent our Chicago field trip.  I remember being late to the airport because Christopher and I were too tangled to notice the time.

Ughhh. I am supposed to be making a decision.  Picking Jake over everyone else.  Is that even the decision I need to be making?  I know its more than just picking Jake over Hank.  Is the decision whether I can trust myself enough to allow Jake to trust me?  that’s a toughie too.

Jake is sitting across from me,  whispering to “Pick Me.”  and I tell him I know that’s the right answer.  I just can’t wrap my brain around it.  I lean my head back, laughing and cursing at the same time.  He asks me what’s going on, and I tell him that he is winning.  while I can’t pick him, I’ve realized that I care about and like him more than I ought to, more than he likes me. Ughhh.




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