I have been buried in busy work. I have been buried by moving boxes. I have been buried in sad thoughts. I have been buried by too many men that I don’t really like enough, faced with a lack of quality over quantity. I discovered this week that I’m still damaged goods, quite unsuitable for any decent man that might surprisingly come my way. Its been 5 days since I put myself in time-out from this game of looking for love. I’ve decided to hide and not seek, although it is against my every desire to find love and be loved.
I’d like to blame my biological clock, but I don’t think that’s entirely the case. I’ve never been so hungry for love in my entire existence. Maybe because I know how strong my own love for someone can be…intensely passionate and forgiving and understanding. Maybe because I know I’m ready for the real thing.
Its been a few weeks, and I know that Brandon is never going to return my feelings. He is not the real thing. Mentally, I’m okay with that. Emotionally, I’m getting there at a painfully slow pace.
I feel like a puppy in the pet store looking eagerly to be chosen by someone.
But nobody wants a heartbroken companion. Eventhough breaking up no longer hurts everyday, the moments where I do catch myself thinking about it… my heart feels as painfully broken as it did the first time. I don’t know where to go from here. I’ve tried to stay busy by burying myself in moving boxes, overtime at work, and an army of boys who couldn’t make the cut. I hate to hide and not seek, but desperate times call for desperate measures.