He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I blame my biological clock. How else can I explain being so attached to someone not right for me? He is the first man I could envision myself having children with. A year ago, I remember laughing to my friends that Brandon was imagining what our kids would look like. Mentally, I was so far from that. And now its a year later, I’m totally baby-crazy, and I don’t like it one bit.
Yesterday, a Range Rover passed our car and I asked Brandon if we “could get a Range Rover and have babies”. I had a dream once that I was picking up my two kids from school. I was parked out front in a beautiful black Range Rover with the other parents, opening the doors to the back seat. Two little boys come running out to meet me, and I had a big smile on my face too, happy to see them. Two happy, rambunctious boys that looked alot like Brandon. When I told Brandon about it, he was intrigued that I was coming around the baby-bend, saying that twins ran in his family.
I’m not the only one; I know his biological clock is ticking too. Every now and then he admits to thinking about babies. Once, he wanted me to put a pillow under my shirt so he could see what I’d look like pregnant. I definitely declined, unready to see myself in that way. He even had a dream of us as a family with children. When I asked how he descibed me to his friends, he said “Lynne is the kind of girl you settle down with and have babies.”
Maybe I was in the wrong place at the wrong time as well. Perhaps its too dangerous for two people who care about each other to have biological clocks that tick so madly. I have been waiting so long to catch up with all my girlfriends who have been baby crazy for such a long time. And now the baby craziness is kicking my ass, making it harder for me to let go of Brandon and the hope that we will make a family one day.