A few weeks ago I told him, ” I think I’m in love with you.”
Yesterday I told him I had made peace with the idea that he may never feel the same about me, and that I was okay with that. My love is a gift. Its not supposed to be intimidating or incite pressure to love me. Its something that I rarely feel, and I wanted him to know it.
As I explained all this, he looked into my eyes with an deep, indescribable gaze, and he said that he felt it right now. Which was so wonderful. But I knew not to get too excited about it. He has said his feelings of being “in-love” with me flow on/off, high/low… never quite steady. While that may be the start of something greater, I perceive his idea of love to be more of an infatuation… only “in-love” with the good times, and probably not feeling it in the bad times.
With me, I explained, the feeling is there even in the bad times, and there have been alot of rough patches. I know that even when things are rough and he is not at his best, whether he can’t walk, is too stressed out, is too angry with the world, can’t work, I know that I still want to be a part of his life and grow with him through those trials.
I think about my very first definition of being in-love. I was 15 on Valentine’s Day, and my best friend (Justin) whispered in my ear, “I love you.” It was out of the blue, I was so caught off-guard that I thought it was a mean joke. I replied something horrific to the effect of “Are you doing this to fuck with my mind?” [Cringe] I’m still embarrassed by the coarseness of my reaction.
I remember my heart beating harder with each step upstairs to my room. I was stunned that he wasn’t joking. How could he know what love was? I was the queen of romantic chick-flicks. He hated them. He knew about blowing things up or setting things on fire…boy stuff. I should know about love and hearts and feelings and all that??? Later, he called and asked me to forget he ever said anything. I asked him how he knew, and he said that he just did. It took me 3 days to process his feelings, my feelings, and what love is before I was ready to say it back to him.
Years before Justin, I had always wanted to fall in love with my best friend. It seemed to make the most sense. If two people knew each other inside-out and still wanted to be friends, still cared about each other, still wanted to learn more about each other, and never got bored… that seemed like unconditional love between best friends.
But then you still need the romance and the physical attraction. Sometimes that’s the easiest part, other times its the most impossible part.
I’ve kept this basic definition for the last ten years, and now I’m starting to think that maybe its too basic. I look back and realize that I’ve been “in-love” with all four of my previous boyfriends.
There’s nothing wrong with having been “in-love” with them.
Maybe I am just realizing that being “in-love” with someone doesn’t mean they are Mr. Right or that they are Mr. Make Lynne Happy. Maybe there’s another level of being “in-love” that I have yet to experience.
Something bigger and better? Or is my definition of love wrong?
Please post your comments. I need your definition of being in-love.