I wrote this in February, and I was scared to publish it, because I was scared that it was too true, and i wasn’t ready to accept that yet. But I’m publishing this now, because I have days when I can’t even remember why I broke up with my ex, and I’m glad to have these blogs as a reminder of how unhappy I was, and how I am doing the right thing by letting that relationship go….
All signs point to breaking up. Yesterday, he admitted that he couldn’t give me the things I need. Nor the things I want. I cried hard. His admission made the problems real. Killed the hope I still held in my heart. Made me realize I was waiting for something impossible.
Yesterday he said that looking at me makes him drop his shield. It made me realize that I do the same, leaving me vulnerable in his presence. Explains why everything hurts more when he’s around, even when I should be happy that we’re actually spending time together. When I look him in the eyes, the pain in my heart sharpens and the tears well up in my eyes. He makes me feel fragile, when I need to continue being strong. Strong enough to take the bad news. Strong enough to accept he isn’t perfect. Strong enough to know he doesn’t mean to hurt me.
He admitted that it was unfair to drag me into his messed up life. Its not fair that his life is fucking with my life, with my happiness. He doesn’t want to see me upset all the time. I don’t want to be upset all the time. Upset over things I can’t control, because he can’t control them either. It all just trickles down. Tears stain my face.
I told him that I know I deserve better. He agreed. I want him to be better. I want him to fix this. Fix what he broke. I need to accept that he can’t. I need to give up hoping. I told him that I don’t know how to give up on people, and that if he’s giving up on me, I need to know. Maybe there’s no fix. Maybe I should just drop him.
WOW. I wrote that 2 weeks ago. The pain he caused by neglecting me is finally subsiding. Forgiveness = freedom. I’m starting to feel like myself again, optimistic and hopeful about things. No longer burdened by a soreness in my soul. No longer scrutinizing every detail of this relationship. Just being myself and letting things flow. Letting him be himself without being angry or hurt by the way he acts. Observing calmly, patiently, objectively how this relationship is unfolding. Glad to see him trying harder. Sad to see that its not good enough. Sad to see that he’ll always be busy, and I’ll always be a lesser priority. Disappointed that I’m not the right girl to break his stressed out moods. I am learning that these moods aren’t something that’s going to change. Accepting that they are apart of him, being himself. Trying to accept him for who he is, and not take his personality and behaviors personally. While part of me wishes that the early romantic phase of the relationship would never end, its beyond that phase where you really begin to reveal yourselves to each other. I think enough time has passed to know and accept that there are things about this guy that I will always struggle with, always be longing for elements that are beyond his capacity.
Sadly, I still really like this guy. More than just simply caring and being attracted to him, I am very attached. Ironically, I am breaking up with him because of the fact that I really like him. Self-preservation demands that I move on, because he is not enough. He does not like me enough. Not enough to make him WANT to be thoughtful, or even romantic. I could ask for all the things I want: flowers, chocolates, fancy dinner. But it won’t mean as much if I have to ask. I know that boys aren’t mind readers, but asking for romantic favors isn’t my style, and isn’t the point. When you care for someone, you want to do things to make them feel comfortable, appreciated, and special. I learned that from Hemmingway’s A Farewell to Arms. I want to do things to express how much I care for him, and I can’t allow myself to keep getting attached to someone who can’t reciprocate, for whatever reason. He’s a nice guy, but he’s too wrapped up in his own life to deliver what I deserve. He admitted that I deserve better and that he can’t give it to me right now. All I want is his time and attention. Nothing fancy. Just to spend time getting to know each other so I can find out whether I’m going to like him more or less based on what I learn about him and myself.
Its been 2 weeks since I told him how much it hurt me, for which he apologized. He said he wasn’t giving up on making this work. He’s trying, but I don’t think its enough for me to be happy. The pain subsiding, we had an awesome Saturday together. Talking, joking, laughing, cuddling, just spending time together. It was great. But then Busy Boyfriend showed up surprisingly this week. No school stress yet, so it was out of the blue that he was busy working on his consulting business. It was disappointing, yet more of a slap in the face. Painful and unexpected, sending me back to reality. We’ll see how valentine’s day goes. I’ve made a huge deal to him about how I hate how commercialized it is. But I still believe in celebrating it, without marketing pressures to buy this or even do something nice. Those actions should come from the heart. I’m hoping for a good mixtape. I’m cooking dinner, and then we’ll just hang out. I’m looking at it as our last date together, just enjoying his company for who he is. I admit that I’m hoping, even praying that he pulls off some amazingly thoughtful gesture to show how much he cares. Something that will save this relationship. The last thing I want to do is break up with someone that I like sooooo much.