Warming the bench

30 05 2008

I hate the “getting over someone” portion of the break up. Its longer than you think it’d take, it’s exhausting, and its boring to keep thinking the same thoughts over and over again. Most of those thoughts are pretty negative, and depressing, especially the pointless what-ifs. I want to live in the now, but I’m still stuck on my ex-boyfriend because he’s a decent person with qualities I really will miss. Its the curse of the clean break up. Not hating him means still having feelings for him, that only time will wear down.

I, of course, have no patience, whatsoever. While I hate “burning time” spending the next few weeks or months getting over him, I’m smart enough to know that I just need to suck it up and get it over with. Its more enticing for me to convert the emotions of my pathetic romantic life into sports analogies. I’d rather see myself as an injured NBA player warming the bench than a hopeless romantic with a broken heart and bruised ego. So everyday I think of how so and so NBA star is warming the bench while his team is winning the playoffs without him. I think about how his heart and ego are probably hurting more than his broken leg, and how everyday he’s committed to getting past this so he can join the game again.

Aside from all the nasty games of mental tricks that men and women play against each other, I am growing tired of playing the simplest game of Hide and Seek. But its a game you’re forced to play, whether you want to or not. Like Mr. NBA, I show up everyday to the game, even though I’m not ready to play. I watch the other players, letting them remind me of what the game is at its best and at its most grueling, reminding me to prepare myself fully, healing my heart and mind of the past hurts, frustrations, and pessimism.

A few weeks ago, my ex-and I spotted a clever t-shirt that said GAME OVER, depicting a wedding couple. We both thought it was clever, for opposite reasons, obviously. For the most part, I make the best of being single. But with the breakup, it’d just be nice to finish the Hide and Seek portion of the game , draft Mr. Right to my team, and move to the next game where we compete for the nicest wedding and cutest kids.

I can accept (for the most part) that breaking up was the right thing to do, because we stopped being right for each other. Now, its harder to accept that I have to sit on the bench and take time out to heal. All I want is to continue the game of seeking Mr. Right.

I know that its not to be rushed, but I want to find him so badly. I want to know that he exists, and I don’t want to waste another day of my life without him. He’s supposed to make me the happy, and while I can achieve happiness without him, I can’t help but imagine how Mr. Right would only enrich that happiness (exponentially).

I know that taking a time out to heal is the right thing to do, but what little patience i have is competing with my desire to finish the game. Most women swear off men after they experience a break-up. I never let my relationships sink to that level. Breaking up only makes me want to find Mr. Right even more. Each break-up confirms my soul’s desire to experience a successful relationship.

This break up in particular, has surprised me with the desire to have children, be a full family. I’ve never felt that desire before, and its what makes this break up harder. I always thought that if I met the right man, being with him would make me want to have his children. Its a hard thought to let go of, and now that I’ve accepted that he’s not Mr. Right, I have to keep reminding myself that there’s more than just one soul mate for everyone. I’m curious if I’ll continue to hold onto the idea of having children, as my feelings for him fade. Will I want children with the next man I date? Or is it just my maternal clock kicking in?

While waiting for this lovespell to fade out, I’m trying to redirect my affection and caring towards myself. I’m not talking about spoiling myself with pedicures and chocolates. I”m working to improve myself, through knowledge and experiences, and deepening friendships.

I am trying to clean the slate so I can reclaim the positive self-esteem and attitude that allows me to be Lynne. Bogged down by negativity makes it hard to be a bearable personality that people want to be around. Its even harder to be my adventurous, silly, interesting and qwirky personality. I’m a big believer that only when you’re truly being yourself, will you attract friends and lovers that are truly right for you.

My summer will be about trying new things, reading lots, getting in better physical shape, and enjoying the friends who love me for me. Call it off-season training to get me ready for the rest of the game.

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