We broke up the day after our trip to miami. He thought everything was chill between us. I think he enjoyed the weekend. I kept thinking the weekend was make it or break it. The trip was okay, but nothing magical. He was quiet most of the time, but he said it was because he was chilling out.
The quiet kills me. For some reason or other, his quietness makes me feel alone and un-interesting. He would never indicate he was following my words with simple “uh-huh” or follow up questions. He never thought I was funny enough to laugh at, unless I was spinning off one of his jokes. I told him all this made me feel like less than myself. Made me feel uncomfortable around him, like I wasn’t interesting enough or cool enough. Day after day, his quiet behavior made me feel unsure of myself, dwindled my confidence away, and made me feel rejected. Last night he said he had no idea he made me feel this way. It seems mostly my fault for letting it get to this point. I know he was listening, just not responding the way I’m used to, the way I need someone to.
It just wasn’t right. There were simple things that I needed that just weren’t in him to provide. I knew we weren’t capable of making each other happy, on the basic level of friendship. We trusted each other, encouraged each other, shared secrets and dreams and frustrations. But I never felt as friendly as when I were with my own friends, able to goof around all day having fun over nothing. Miami was quiet and relaxing, but I was bored and nervous about what it meant to be bored with him. I knew I should be enjoying the weekend, but for some reason was not. I had more fun running boring errands with friends who really “got” me.
He explained once about the “foul mood” he gets when things bear on his mind, making him tense, and quiet, seemingly withdrawn and impossible for my cheerful personality to penetrate. Unfortunately, there is always something bearing down on him, and I understand that when you’re stretched thin for time, energy, and emotional strength, that there isn’t much left to give to someone like me. Last night he said it wasn’t fair to drag me through all crazy situations of his life. I told him I wanted to be there for him, but we both know that it’s hard on a girl like me who wants to help but can’t. He said something very important and true last night: until he was happy with himself, he wasn’t going to be able to make me happy nor would I be capable to make him happy.
A few months ago he admitted that he couldn’t give me what I deserve, and that we should let go before the relationship was ruined forever. It was a sad truth that we both needed to accept. We both felt a huge weight lifted from us. Things were less tense, I stopped taking things too personally, because I knew it wasn’t about me. I stopped putting pressure on the relationship to be a success, since it had already been established as impossible for now. Yet, we remained very close, continued to talk to each other every day, and we actually grew closer. At the time we decided it would be fair for me to see other people, and he wanted to be part of that group. I figured the other men would either filter him out or on top. Surprisingly, seeing other people made me want to be with him more, eventhough I knew he had unperfect qualities. About 3 weeks ago, I told him I wasn’t going to see or talk to other people because I wanted to be with him. It was late that night in bed, and I whispered it to him not really expecting a response. I asked him if he heard me and he nodded silently on the verge of falling asleep. I shouldn’t have assumed that he was ready to be with me again, although we were acting like a normal couple and things in his personal life were improving.
For some reason, I reached the point in the relationship, as I often do, where all my nurturing capabilities kick in as if they were in autopilot. Regardless of how much a man has hurt me or been inadequate to my needs, they hit this point where I want to start throwing all this nurturing at them. I feel this drive to try to make them happy and support them and take care of them. I don’t know where or why this starts happening to me, but by now I am smart enough to know that this burst of compassion is not equal to falling in love. It is more about attachment and wanting to succeed at a relationship than attraction or love. Its is about reaching this point of vulnerability where I admit to myself that I care sincerely about this person, and I gift them the same care and love that I give to all my friends and sisters that I care about. In reality, I can’t explain how or why they were able to penetrate my circle of caring, but they do, and there’s not much I can do to keep myself from wanting to give them the kindness from my heart. Its a dangerous thing for me to give that love freely. But I know that sharing love and caring and kindness can never be a bad thing. Its not like they ask for it. They don’t even know it exists. I just keep having to find a way to protect myself from people taking advantage of me opening my heart up. Luckily I don’t think it got to that point with him.
I am going to miss him and continue to be frustrated with another failed relationship. I hate the idea of perhaps never seeing him again. I hate knowing that we aren’t right for each other right now. Maybe we will be right for each other in another time, the way things felt right in the beginning. I still think of how crazy we were about each other in the beginning, and eventhough it doesn’t show as easily as it did before, I take comfort and happiness in knowing that we both like each other much more than we did when we first met. Why it isn’t enough for two people who care about each other to make a relationship work, I don’t know. But when it doesn’t feel right, its not right, and we both deserve happy endings.