I don’t usually have many regrets. But for some reason this week, I have been a horrible decision maker. I have been a stupid decision maker. I have been a complete idiot. Today kinda culminates a host of bad decisions, most notably, staying up way too late. I woke up late, got to work late, decided to get some caffeine which didn’t help at all in keeping me awake this morning, and is currently preventing me from taking a power nap here at lunch time. Which means my afternoon is going to be all jitters, or worse, jittery and nodding off.
Another major reason as to why I can’t seem to nap is that I’m very angry with myself for not being focused enough to get the job done. I have been the worst version of myself: procrastinating, lazy, self-indulgent, and just not giving a shit. I’m going to Orlando in 2 days and have yet to book a hotel and rental car. I still haven’t sent a birthday card to my god daughter, who turned 2 on Sunday. I haven’t paid my bills, eventhough the money is just sitting in my account. I have been spending way too much money: a $25 parking ticket, $40 on a manicure/pedicure, way much more than I should on eating out. I’ve been eating like crap, not going to the gym, and that’s a whole waste of money too. In addition, i’m supposed to research and order a new laptop before Saturday, when my sister is picking up my old one. The new laptop is supposedly justified by the mission of prepping my portfolio and applications for M.Arch School. I haven’t made any headway on that at all. I haven’t even picked out schools to seriously apply to. I am the laziest I have ever been in my life. I just don’t care right now, and other than this guilt and self-anger, I don’t know how to kick my butt into gear.
I look around at all the really hardworking people around me, and am astounded by how they push themselves to do it. Both my sisters are working in overdrive to keep up with their school work. My friends/colleagues are working serious overtime to keep up with their deadlines at the office. Even my new guy is working 40 hours and then goes home to work on his MBA.
I hate being a slacker. I hate feeling like a slacker. I hate not caring enough to make things better. But maybe this can be a turnaround. Putting every disgusting detail of my inadequacy out there. Out Here.
Its obviously counterproductive to be mad at myself and continue to beat myself up. I’ve just got to make the best of things, as they are, as I am. I’ve turned myself around before. I’ve accomplished impossible things before. I just need to want to do it. Want it today. Right now.
Long term, I know I want all these things. I want to stay in a decent hotel in Orlando. I want to make sure I get the best laptop I can afford. I want to get into the right Architecture School, and I want my portfolio to look Kick-ass. I know I need to get my application ready by January if I want the option to start school in the fall 2009. Option, being the key word. Option to possibly defer. In anycase, that needs to be complete so I can start studying for NCIDQ in January, take it in March, and then work on LEED stuff before starting Grad School. If I fail to submit my apps in January, I could possibly be postponing a whole year of my life. That’s a lot to regret. As Leah would say,
I need to get “on point”.