Tough Sticky

Lynne likes this song, “When it hurts” .  The message is important.  Relationships, dating/friendships/family are all measured by how we respond to the difficult moments.  The singer Avant has a lyric about “changing people’s definition of love” by reminding everyone that its the tough times that count.  Seeing as we’re in a tough time globally, I hope we’ll all remember.

I can happily say that my friends and family have always been there for me in troubling moments, whether in support or to argue a constructive point of their own.

Boyfriends are another story.  I can only think of one boyf that ever stuck around for an argument.  Granted, I don’t pick many fights, and most debates I have a winning point.  It seems strange, but I’m hoping my next boyfriend will invest enough of himself to argue for the sake of improving our relationship or clearing up misperceptions.  Not just giving up on things that don’t seem to work.  Not just giving up on me.

I agree, its easier to avoid conflict all together, especially at the risk of making a girl cry.  But delivering constructive criticism is a service of honesty between two friends.  Discussing personal opinions, no matter how controversial or awkward, should also be comfortable, if not mutually respectful.

Excerpted Lyrics: When it hurts” by Avant

When it hurts, will we still be
The same two lovers
All over each other
When it hurts, will we still see
What we got together
Promise that we’ll never
Never ever be
Temporary (Not Another)
Ordinary (Uh uh)
We should change people’s definition of love
So forget what you heard
The only way that this will work
Is if you love me when it hurts
Can you love when it hurts

Babygirl we gotta face it
There’ll be times that we let each other down
And on the days that you ain’t feeling me
Will you be able to stick around
Cause anything worth having is worth fighting for
If we really want this thing to work
We gotta go to war
Girl, I’m in this thing
I mean we’re in this thing
But through the tears will you still be here

September blew by

September 26, 2008

September was supposed to be my time for downtime.  It has been quite the opposite, and the crazy business has made it fly faster than it ought to.  Here’s the quick and dirty:

I moved in with 3 boys

There is no gas in metro Atlanta

My friends are getting laid off

I’ve been working 12 hour days to accomplish a deadline because we are understaffed

I have been dating ALOT to keep my mind off Brandon.  I have been dating ALOT to keep myself unattached, because girls need to juggle at least 3 men to keep them too busy to develop attachments to any single one.

I had to tell a very nice boy that I had no sparks for him.  He had fantastic conversation, incredible politeness, and a great sense of humor.  We even kissed just to make sure, and still no sparks.

I can’t find a suitable date for any of the 4 weddings I have to attend this year.

I rode the furbus during a bachelorette party and had a great time.  I attempted to snag a date for my friend’s wedding, met 2 very cute boys.  One of which gave me a fake phone number.  Sad.  The other talked too much about his ex-girlfriends and how he’s not looking for anything serious.  Too bad that I am… stupid biological clock.

Despite my rational reasonings, I continue to imagine that happiness comes delivered in a Range Rover.  Perhaps its my 2008 version of the knight in shining armor who rides in on a white horse.  Aside from it being a beautiful car, it always makes me think of the dream where I’m picking up my kids from school, opening the backseat doors of the Range Rover as 2 happy kids come running towards me.

Lessons from the kissing booth

“You called to say that the weight of time hangs heavy on your shoulders, that in your quieter moments, when you put out a hand to still the whirring of your gyroscope, you feel prematurely old. I think that you think that I hold cupped in my hand the secret key to our sandy misspent youth. But all of my drawbridges are up and I’m not even waving to the crowds from the parapets. I have hit a wall and have nothing left to hand out, and I melted down all of those keys to make a helmet. Perhaps it pays to be prepared for the future by covering my head with the galvanized past. Anyway, it couldn’t hurt.” Lessons from the kissing booth

I have spent the evening reading this blog by my high school friend.  Her words have kept me intrigued, entertained, and enchanted on an evening otherwise inundated with feelings of emptiness.  Samantha has always had a way with words, always had a mind full of unique thoughts, always been one of the coolest people I’ve known, and I’m so glad to have reconnected with her after many years.  She has a way of describing ideas and feelings beyond anything I could ever imagine.  Her words are inspiring me to “up my game.”  Yet, I know that my blogs tend to be so emotionally charged that painterly words are often too much to expect.

Waiting for patience

Gasp! New Epiphany!

Sunday I made plans to hang out with my friend Adrian. It seems strange to say goodbye to Brandon one day and the next day hang out with an old boyfriend, but Adrian and I now have an incredible friendship where we love each other for who we are… nothing more, nothing less. We don’t just tolerate each other. We allow and encourage each other to be ourselves. It was a really positive way to spend the day. It reminded me that I eventually “got over” Adrian and all the other boys that came before Brandon.

Yesterday Adrian and I ate at one of our favorite restauants, R. Thomas, ran some errands, watched some YouTube, and looked up words on dictionary.com. He has gotten into the habit of looking up definitions to words he doesn’t completely know, which is a great habit for anyone to get into. Most words will teach you something new or deeper about their definition.

Lying on the couch, I asked him to look up PATIENCE. I suck at being patient, and when I’m not beating myself up about it, I’m probably beating other people up with my frustration while waiting for this, that, or the other. Turns out, patience is not about WAITING. Its about tolerating; preferably “enduring with calmness.” But I’ll stick to the basics: TOLERANCE. Trying to add calmness is an advanced level trick.

pa·tient from the American Heritage Dictionary

(pā’shənt) Pronunciation Key adj. Bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance with calmness. Marked by or exhibiting calm endurance of pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance. Tolerant; understanding: an unfailingly patient leader and guide. Persevering; constant: With patient industry, she revived the failing business and made it thrive. Capable of calmly awaiting an outcome or result; not hasty or impulsive. Capable of bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance: “My uncle Toby was a man patient of injuries” (Laurence Sterne).

It was a bit of an epiphany for me, realizing that I had spent my whole life trying to be better at WAITING. Now I know that TOLERANCE is a major part of realizing that inner peace I’ve been longing for. Tolerance means not being so hard on myself, on other people, or things that I feel are unsatisfactory. My tolerance can improve by loosening up and letting go. Becoming more of a “go with the flow person.” Disabling the control freak that rules my life. Remembering that I can’t control everything, and to stop being upset by that fact. Remembering that there are alot of things I can control, and to focus on those and to have fun with it.

I encourage all to look up the definition of the words that challenge your life. I think it will help you focus on how to ovecome its challenge. Let me know how it goes….

Nicknames

Lyn-Lyn before she learned how to smile =) Check out those sexy legs, huh??

I just turned 26, and I am only now just starting to have decent nicknames.  I blame it on the fact that my name is already one-syllable.

Family nicknames from people who supposedly love me:

Lyn-Lyn. Ling-Ling. Lang-Lang. Squirt. Polongpong. Pumpkin. Four-eyes. Skinny. Ning! 

I will forever be Lyn-Lyn to my relatives who have known me since I was a pre-schooler.  Even today, if I called one of their phones, and said I was “Lynne,” they’d have to pause for a clueless minute, forcing me to say “Lyn-Lyn” and then they know exactly who they’re speaking with.

Not so cute names given by people who are supposed to be my friends:

Linnie the pooh. Little Lynne. Lindemere. Short Stuff.  Linn-ey.

How the boys holla.

Gorgeous. Beautiful. Cutie. Shorty. Shawty. or my favorite:  “Hey Girl…”

This year, I’ve finally gotten good nicknames. 

One guy consistently calls me Gorgeous, which is alright by me. 

Brandon calls me Sunshine, which I love!

A friend recently called me Linn-ey, which I used to hate, but I think I’m okay with now.

If you have any suggestions on nicknames, I’d love them…. try to keep the derogatory ones to yourself, though! LOL

Take me out to the ballgame

Turner Field

This is the view from the All you can Eat seats at Turner Stadum. I am sitting near the very top of the upper deck. The game was pretty boring, almost no score for most of the game. I’m glad I didn’t leave early, though. The Braves won the game in the last 2 innings, beating the Seattle Mariners. Oh, and I made it on the jumbo-tron, since the guy in front of me was dancing in his Braves’ jersey.

The second most interesting thing was having a heart to heart talk with one of my close friends husbands. He asked where my boyfriend was, and I had to update him on the break-up. My friend’s husband, Tim, and I get along well, but have never spoken about my love life before. It was really surprising for him to take an interest in it. When I told Tim it was a peaceful breakup, and that we would continue to be friends, Tim said not to give up on my ex, that sometimes it takes longer for relationships to penetrate the male psyche. Suddenly realizing that Tim had “strong and silent” qualities similar to my ex, we started discussing the communication challenges. Tim’s wife is very outgoing and speaks her mind and feelings, very similar to me, while Tim is very reserved, whether he is feeling excited or frustrated, making it hard to understand where he’s coming from. So I picked his brain, and he reassured me that even when a man doesn’t say nice things about you, doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking nice things about you. That if feelings in the relationship are solid, alot of times, its just communication that kicks everyone’s ass, and there’s no reason it should.

I know the ex and I care about each other very much, but trying to decipher his silence is killing me. Tim’s insight reaffirmed that I shouldn’t be taking his silence as an insult. Its just him being himself. Now my focus is on figuring out how he communicates what he feels, and most importantly, what he feels about me.

Jeremy

Originally blogged 6/6/08

My second full-fledged good day in a row. WooHoo! And it all started with an amazing dream….

The best part of the dream was that I had a new man. I rarely have dreams with mysterious men as my partner. In those dreams, I’ve never remembered their faces, it was always a generic white dude, naturally resembling the shell of my first love. In this dream, he not only has a face, but he has a name!!! My friends are meeting him for the first time, outside a movie theater, and he extends his handshake and nervously says, “Hi, I’m Jeremy.” He speaks slowly, and I can tell that he is genuinely shy at meeting new people. This is so uncharacteristic of the men I date in reality. He extends his hand to my friends, and I am holding his other hand, wanting my friends to see what wonderful things I see in him. He is tall and handsome, clean cut and seems to be the All-American boy. He is not overly attractive, nor overly well-dressed. He has a comfortable style, seems really laid back, has a great smile and an infectious laugh.

So, if anyone knows a Jeremy, I’d like to meet him. Unfortunately, I don’t know anyone by that name nor anyone who looks like what I recall from the dream. I’m thinking of creating a personals ad, just for kicks. http://atlanta.craigslist.org/w4m/709501159.html

Update: I got 4 responses:  3 jeremy’s and 1 Bill. LOL… I never wrote them back because I didn’t expect anyone to reply…maybe I should, although its been a month.  Stay tuned….

I could tell that there were alot of dream sequences bouncing through my mind last night, I can only remember the ones that started and stopped between my smashing of the snooze button…

Tons of my friends made special-guest appearances, which is always a hoot. Between smashing the snooze button, the scenarios changed from bittersweet post-breakup cuddling & conversation with the ex then a scene where I kept locking doors and unlocking doors like that scene from the Matrix with the keymaker. I think the ultimate goal was welcoming my Dad home, like my sisters and I used to do everyday when he came home from work. Picture 3 noisy young daughters running to the driveway every afternoon, followed by a round of hugs and kisses. My co-worker was just commenting on how great it was for his daughter to do this, and how sad he’ll be when she’s too old to care about her old dad. Weird how random events trigger your dreams.

Thank You

Today is the first day since my post-breakup/mini-breakdown that I felt like my old self. Today is the first day I’ve had a good day in a long time. I even felt good at work, mostly because I had completed a major deadline, and I was proud of the quality of my work. I also managed to keep my mind of the eXBoyfriend. I had worked two 12 hour days in a row, and actually enjoyed pouring myself into my project.

I even got to leave work a few hours early, sending me straight to the clearance racks at Atlantic Station. Just minutes before my early exit, I got a fortuitous email from a girlfriend regarding an extra ticket to the Sex and the City Movie with free cocktails at the swanky Dolce Restaurant I had been wanting to check out. Its lucky, spontaneous, and free events such as these that make me feel so alive and so grateful to be a single twenty-something in Atlanta.

This was my second time seeing the movie, and it was just as good as the first time. Certain scenes in the movie touched my soul to the point that I released a few tears. Surprisingly, the tears only came during the happiest moments, and I never cried for the many sad scenes, although I could feel my soul rise and fall in line with each character’s emotions. I left the movie feeling mushy…not about the romance or the fairytale endings.

I left the theater feeling grateful for my friends and sisters and everyone who helps me take care of myself. There was a quote in the movie about how the friends were mirrors to each other, helping each other clarify the reality around them, & see the truth they may not yet be strong enough to accept about themselves or their relationships. I think that’s the most important thing my friends do for me.

For everyone who shared their strength when I was too weak…who comforted me when I was in pain…who put a smile on my face when I needed it…who reminded me that I was not alone in this world.

For everyone who added their 2 cents…who helped me see and accept the reality about my life, my relationships, and my wrongdoings. For everyone who cared enough to talk the truth.

I just want to thank all my friends, sisters, and well-timed strangers who support me.

I cannot express how grateful I am to have people I can count on. Just know that there’s a glowing heart of love and appreciation for you and all you do for me.

Random Traffic

Its amazing to me that people actually read this blog. I’m terrible at keeping it consistent and updated.

The quick skinny is: I’m still alive, I’ve been busy studying, I’m still questioning whether my boyfriend and I are right for each other, I still eat 6 times a day, I still wish I had biscoff cookies, I still have the best friends and sisters in the world. I still try to treat people the way they want to be treated. Its simple, really.

But the random traffic I get has been soooo amusing to me. Thanks to friends who keep up and the random strangers. Check out what search engine terms have led people to read my blog. Crazy fun.

Hey Jealousy

“Hey Jealousy” is a great 90’s alt-rock song by… oh, I can’t remember!  Wait, the Gin Blossoms!  Yeah!

Anyways, i’ve been feeling the jealous bug a bit lately.  It helps to admit them aloud to friends who are too awesome to judge me for my petty and ridiculous insecurities from which these jealousies arise.  Thanks to them! 

Hopefully, you won’t judge me too much…it helps to just lay everything out there.  I always challenge myself to keep nothing worth hiding….

1.  My boss’s son just graduated from Architecture school and is flying to Italy to work for the Renzo Piano building workshop.  I met the lucky fellow today, and wanted to mention how cool his future is going to be, but I didn’t want him to catch me drooling, nor sense how jealous I am.  Besides, I didn’t want to appear ungrateful for my current position at a really prominent architecture firm.  Still, Renzo Piano is only my favorite living architect.  (Aalvar Aalto is a close tie, although deceased.)

2.  People who live with their significant others.  I’m sure in reality, its pretty gross and annoying to live with a boyfriend or girlfriend, but I’ve never experienced it before, and I really want to check it off my list.  Not anytime soon, of course, because I think that living with someone requires alot of groundwork in a relationship to build the type of patience and understanding required to not sabotage it.

3.  Girls who buy fabulous (expensive) outfits and cars.  I don’t know where they get the money.  I like to pretend they have giant credit card bills and are thousands of dollars in debt.  I’ll take debt-free anyday.