Love Lockdown

new Kanye single sounds hauntingly good. The rhythm reminds me of my own heart pounding. Pretty good break-up attitude.  Its a pretty accurate depiction of my break up status.

Kanye West “Love Lockdown”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZVZX-W3vo9I

the video is wierd. I don’t get it.

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
What I had to do
Had to run from you
I’m in love with you
But the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me all the way home

So you never know
Never, never know
Never know enough
Til it’s over love
Til we lose control
System overload
Screamin’ no, no, no, no, no

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
See I want to move
But can’t escape from you
So I keep it low
Keep a secret code
So everybody else don’t have to know

So keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Keepin’ your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
You lose

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
I can’t keep my cool
So I keep it true
I got something to lose
So I gotta move
I can’t keep myself
And still keep you too

So I keep in mind
When I’m on my own
Somewhere far from home
In the danger zone
How many times did I tell you
‘fore it finally got through
You lose, you lose

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
See I had to go
See I had to move
No more wasting time
You can’t wait for life
We’re just racing time
Where’s the finish line

So keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Keepin’ your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
You lose

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
I bet no one knew
I got no one new
No, I said I’m through
But got love for you
But I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to

Gotta keep it going
Keep the lovin’ going
Keep it on a roll
Only god knows
If I’ll be with you
Baby I’m confused
You choose, you choose

I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to
Where I want to go
I don’t need you
I’ve been down this road
Too many times before
I’m not lovin’ you
Way I wanted to

So keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Keepin’ your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
Your love locked down
Now keep your love locked down
You lose

You lose
You lose
You lose
You lose

porcupine party shower

its hard looking toward the future when your eyes are welling with tears.  I’ve been crying for days, and i’m tired of it.  I’d like to listen to a romantic song or watch a romantic scene without being reminded of something that I’ve lost.  I shake my head at the lunacy of a girl who by most accounts is reasonable and rational, can’t help tearing up over the smallest remembrances.  I’d like to get it over with…enough with these short drippings of sad tears…i could use a good cry… just get it all out of my system.  Seems unlikely when you’re a slave to pms.

Hungry for love

I have been buried in busy work.  I have been buried by moving boxes.  I have been buried in sad thoughts.  I have been buried by too many men that I don’t really like enough, faced with a lack of quality over quantity.  I discovered this week that I’m still damaged goods, quite unsuitable for any decent man that might surprisingly come my way. Its been 5 days since I put myself in time-out from this game of looking for love.  I’ve decided to hide and not seek, although it is against my every desire to find love and be loved.

I’d like to blame my biological clock, but I don’t think that’s entirely the case.  I’ve never been so hungry for love in my entire existence.  Maybe because I know how strong my own love for someone can be…intensely passionate and forgiving and understanding. Maybe because I know I’m ready for the real thing.

Its been a few weeks, and I know that Brandon is never going to return my feelings.  He is not the real thing.  Mentally, I’m okay with that.  Emotionally, I’m getting there at a painfully slow pace.

I feel like a puppy in the pet store looking eagerly to be chosen by someone.

But nobody wants a heartbroken companion.  Eventhough breaking up no longer hurts everyday, the moments where I do catch myself thinking about it… my heart feels as painfully broken as it did the first time.  I don’t know where to go from here.  I’ve tried to stay busy by burying myself in moving boxes, overtime at work, and an army of boys who couldn’t make the cut.  I hate to hide and not seek, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Mr. Next

Yesterday I traced the muscles of his arm with my fingertips.  I started thinking how much I was going to miss his lean muscular body, as I have often done in the last few weeks, obsessing over every enjoyable quality that I love about him.  I smiled to myself, quickly changing my thought to how much more I was going to enjoy whatever body Mr. Next would wear, whoever he is, whenever I meet him in the future.

Its been a true pattern for me, that the men I come to care about have all improved on the previous man. This has almost nothing to do with each man’s actual qualities.  Rather, it has to do with the increased capacity of my heart and openness of my mind to discover and appreciate a man’s true value and potential.

Mr. Next may not have a better body than Mr. Now, but I know that as a complete package, Mr. Next will be more wonderful, and surely have his own unique physical delights.  I once dated a man that was 100% athlete, 0% body fat.  I never thought I was going to find a man more physically attractive.

But I did, because as a complete package, Mr. Next had so many qualities that I readily enjoyed.  In the beginning, these positive qualities encouraged me get to know him….  Opening my mind to the uniqueness of his character allowed me to discover, accept and appreciate him for who he truly was.  Each time I go through this exercise of falling in love, I know my heart gets stronger in affection and understanding.  Which is why I know that I will love Mr. Next more than any other man before him, even if he is a lesser man by others’ comparisons.

Knowing this, I ought to be more cautious about who I give my phone number to.  While it might seem easier to be more selective up front, I prefer to be as open minded as possible.  I’d rather get to know someone, fall in love if it develops, and then rely on my heart’s strength and resilience to grow that love or heal from it.

Since the world is unfolding as it does, bringing improvement and evolution to every situation, I feel confident that every man the universe sends my way has a purpose.  He may not be Mr. Right, or even Mr. Right Now.  Still, I know he is always Mr. Learn Something New.

I want to love you madly

Today I was sad because I knew he couldn’t make me happy.  I was sad because it now felt pointless to want him.  I was sad because even though I know its pointless, I still want him, and I still can’t seem to let go of him.  But maybe this is one step closer….to loving someone else madly…

I know its wierd, but its actually alot more helpful for me to spend time with an ex-boyfriend than to sequester myself away from him.  Mostly, because putting the man off-limits puts me on the brink of a panic attack.  Secondly, because it reminds me to see him as he is, not as I wish he is.  In my mind, memories of him are cast in the most perfect light.  I think my mind is in love with him more than my reality.

This weekend in particular was great to be around him.  He was relaxed, nothing bearing on his mind.  He was 100% him, even being talkative.  He rambled about life while throwing martial arts kicks in my living room, and I loved it.  But the next day we had lunch, and I sat across from him, bored, wondering why I’d want to spend the rest of my life with someone who bored me.  It reminded me of this Cake lyric: ” I don’t want to sit across from you wishing I could run… I want to love you madly.” Listen

I guess dating these other boys has taught me how important a good conversation is to me; how its something so simple that makes me feel so fulfilled and connected to someone.  There was nothing wrong with the way he was acting.  He was just being himself, and I was just being myself.  And it was a sad but important realization.

I want to love you madly by Cake (Listen)

I dont want to wonder
If this is a blunder
I dont want to worry whether
Were gonna stay together
till we die

I dont want to jump in
Unless this musics thumping
All the dishes rattle in the cupboards
When the elephants arrive

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly

I dont want to fake it
I just want to make it
The ornaments look pretty
But theyre pulling down the branches
Of the tree

I dont want to think about it
I dont want to talk about it
When I kiss your lips
I want to sink down to the bottom
Of the sea

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now, yeah
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly

I dont want to hold back
I dont want to slip down
I dont want to think back to the one thing that I know i
Should have done

I dont want to doubt you
Know everything about you
I dont want to sit across the table from you
Wishing I could run

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly

I blame my biological clock.

He was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I blame my biological clock.  How else can I explain being so attached to someone not right for me?  He is the first man I could envision myself having children with.  A year ago, I remember laughing to my friends that Brandon was imagining what our kids would look like.  Mentally, I was so far from that. And now its a year later, I’m totally baby-crazy, and I don’t like it one bit.

Yesterday, a Range Rover passed our car and I asked Brandon if we “could get a Range Rover and have babies”.  I had a dream once that I was picking up my two kids from school.  I was parked out front in a beautiful black Range Rover with the other parents, opening the doors to the back seat.  Two little boys come running out to meet me, and I had a big smile on my face too, happy to see them.  Two happy, rambunctious boys that looked alot like Brandon.  When I told Brandon about it, he was intrigued that I was coming around the baby-bend, saying that twins ran in his family. 

I’m not the only one; I know his biological clock is ticking too.  Every now and then he admits to thinking about babies.  Once, he wanted me to put a pillow under my shirt so he could see what I’d look like pregnant.  I definitely declined, unready to see myself in that way.  He even had a dream of us as a family with children.  When I asked how he descibed me to his friends, he said “Lynne is the kind of girl you settle down with and have babies.” 

Maybe I was in the wrong place at the wrong time as well.  Perhaps its too dangerous for two people who care about each other  to have biological clocks that tick so madly.  I have been waiting so long to catch up with all my girlfriends who have been baby crazy for such a long time.  And now the baby craziness is kicking my ass, making it harder for me to let go of Brandon and the hope that we will make a family one day.

Building an Army

I’m building an army.  An army of men to protect me from my feelings for Brandon.  An army of men that show me affection. 

It is working. (Somewhat.)  The army is keeping me busy, keeping me from calling Brandon or having time to feel sad.  The army reminds me everyday that I am a special person who deserves to be happy.  The army also reminds me that there are alot of really good men out there, and there’s no reason to be so damn focused on the one man I miss so much.

Just so you don’t think I’m a major bitch, I’ve decided to self-sabotage myself (to be fair) and tell them my current situation (just broken up, not 100% over you know who.)  Lets hope they don’t ask for an actual percentage…at least for a few weeks, giving me a chance to get that ratio down to something less pathetic than 99% still in love with the ex.

Waiting for patience

Gasp! New Epiphany!

Sunday I made plans to hang out with my friend Adrian. It seems strange to say goodbye to Brandon one day and the next day hang out with an old boyfriend, but Adrian and I now have an incredible friendship where we love each other for who we are… nothing more, nothing less. We don’t just tolerate each other. We allow and encourage each other to be ourselves. It was a really positive way to spend the day. It reminded me that I eventually “got over” Adrian and all the other boys that came before Brandon.

Yesterday Adrian and I ate at one of our favorite restauants, R. Thomas, ran some errands, watched some YouTube, and looked up words on dictionary.com. He has gotten into the habit of looking up definitions to words he doesn’t completely know, which is a great habit for anyone to get into. Most words will teach you something new or deeper about their definition.

Lying on the couch, I asked him to look up PATIENCE. I suck at being patient, and when I’m not beating myself up about it, I’m probably beating other people up with my frustration while waiting for this, that, or the other. Turns out, patience is not about WAITING. Its about tolerating; preferably “enduring with calmness.” But I’ll stick to the basics: TOLERANCE. Trying to add calmness is an advanced level trick.

pa·tient from the American Heritage Dictionary

(pā’shənt) Pronunciation Key adj. Bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance with calmness. Marked by or exhibiting calm endurance of pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance. Tolerant; understanding: an unfailingly patient leader and guide. Persevering; constant: With patient industry, she revived the failing business and made it thrive. Capable of calmly awaiting an outcome or result; not hasty or impulsive. Capable of bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance: “My uncle Toby was a man patient of injuries” (Laurence Sterne).

It was a bit of an epiphany for me, realizing that I had spent my whole life trying to be better at WAITING. Now I know that TOLERANCE is a major part of realizing that inner peace I’ve been longing for. Tolerance means not being so hard on myself, on other people, or things that I feel are unsatisfactory. My tolerance can improve by loosening up and letting go. Becoming more of a “go with the flow person.” Disabling the control freak that rules my life. Remembering that I can’t control everything, and to stop being upset by that fact. Remembering that there are alot of things I can control, and to focus on those and to have fun with it.

I encourage all to look up the definition of the words that challenge your life. I think it will help you focus on how to ovecome its challenge. Let me know how it goes….

Letting Go

Brandon and I broke up for what seems like the billionth time. I don’t know why its taken forever, but it has, and I am hoping this is the last time we have to say goodbye. We have spent the last year on a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Mostly downs. But for some reason, I couldn’t end things. I couldn’t give up on him, although I knew that I should. Knew that I deserved better.

Holding On

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q99d08a2IEE

My new theme song is Don’t you forget it by Glenn Lewis (2001)

Here are the lyrics…which are keeping me on track right now.

Far away from the life so young
That’s when you used to know
Many dreams since then you’ve had have come and gone
The time might show
But stress, don’t you let in, don’t you forget it
Trust you’ll find your way love
Hope is what your heart is made of

And don’t you forget it
Don’t you forget your way home
For that little girl
Hold on to your world
And don’t you forget it
Don’t you forget your way home
For that little girl
Hold on to your world

You’re world’s apart from first where life would start
Understanding what it means to have gone
Nothing but your heavy broken heart
Memories of what used to be
With change comes responsiblity
Don’t forget where you are and where you’ve been
Life’s lessons then made you into woman

And don’t you forget it
Don’t you forget your way home
For that little girl
Hold on to your world
And don’t you forget it
Don’t you forget your way home
For that little girl
Hold on to your world

Don’t you be afraid cuz a heartbeat away
It’s all that and everything
That send men and women to you
Don’t need to cry, you can dry your eyes
Cuz you can count on the love that through the years
Captured fears you’ll face, can subside your tears
Everything will be ok, don’t you be afraid
No no no no, la la la, la la la
Don’t you be afraid, no baby

And don’t you forget it
Don’t you forget your way home
For that little girl
Hold on to your world
And don’t you forget it
Don’t you forget your way home
For that little girl
Hold on to your world